It’s been a little while since I wrote a letter to my future self; the last time was many years ago. But today, I wanted to share a letter that I’ve written with you. Sharing this future self letter feels very poingiant for reasons I will dive into below.
CONTEXT
On July 1st 2016, I tried to take my own life. It was a difficult and very painful day for me to remember. But now, I’m much happier with my life and living it as fully as I can.
A few weeks ago, I was approached by a lovely friend of mine to see if I’d like to be a contributor to a book that she’s working on. Due to the topic of the book, it revolved around letters. So the letter to my future self was born. Unfortunately, there was a cap on how many contributors could be a part of the project so I wasn’t able to add my letter. However, because I really enjoyed writing the letter (and got very emotional in the process), I decided to share it here on my website – with permission of course!
The book, Through The Hourglass is currently crowdfunding through Unbound so if you can support the project, please do!
So here is a letter to my future self.
A quick little note – subscribers to my newsletter got this extract first. To get news and extracts early, sign up today!
*Please be aware that there will probably be gramatical errors. Don’t judge me too harshly!*
MY LETTER
Dear Future Holly,
It’s been a while since I wrote to you last; you being my future self. The last time I wrote to you was on New Year’s Eve in 2017 for you to read exactly one year later. A lot has changed during and after those years, good and bad.
Today’s date is the 24th June 2020 and in exactly one week, it will be four years since your last suicide attempt on July 1st. I hope that by the time you come to revisit this letter, there will be many more years to celebrate being alive on this Earth. But even if you have relapsed it doesn’t make you a failure. Sometimes life can get too much; especially for the strongest people.
There are lots of things that I want to achieve (and already have achieved) with my life at this point in time. The fact that there are too many to count on one hand speaks volumes.
You moved into your first house with your school sweetheart and dog.
You self published two books.
You walked away from two extremely toxic relationships to save yourself.
You’ve started your own business (although nobody really knows about it yet – I hope people do by the time you’re reading this!).
Hell, you’ve even become an auntie. An auntie!
But looking to the future, there is so much more than I want to do with my life and I pray that you’re doing them right now. Or even putting the groundwork in place to make those dreams a reality. With the way the world is at the moment, anything could happen to you. Whether it’s good or bad, I hope that you hold your head high and take each day in your stride.
I hope your business has taken off. It’s a business idea that works, helps people just like you and allows you to dive into a creative side of yourself you’ve not seen since your teenage years. Right now, I’m in the very early stages and nowhere near ready to announce what I’ve been doing during lockdown (the less said about that, the better), but I hope that you have finally told people. Whether it’s in a couple months time like you originally planned, or maybe in a year or two.
I know that your business can be a success and eventually, it’ll be your full time job with hard work and dedication. You’ll never have to listen to a boss ever again; you will be your own boss. And it will be everything that I am dreaming of. Okay maybe not everything…you won’t rent out a studio which just so happens to be next door to where your favourite band record their music and then end up being best friends with them. Although if that ever did happen, I will be forever jealous. Invent time travel and send me photos please.
Poppy has been welcomed into the world. Your gorgeous baby niece decided waiting another seven weeks until her due date just wasn’t enough and made her dramatic entrance onto planet earth on the 11th June. She is so loved by everyone in her family but she is particularly special to you; she is your first niece. The crowning child that has officially declared you Auntie Holly. As I’m writing this letter to you, Poppy is still in the hospital but is making excellent progress. She’s a fighter – just like her mother. She even has her stubbornness down to a fine art.
I hope that when Poppy does finally get to come home, you will get to meet her, cwtch her, sing I’m Poppy to her (which has been stuck in your head ever since you joined TikTok last week) and watch her grow into a beautiful woman. Georgia said to me that the amount that Poppy will learn from you is unbelievable and that you’ll have such a positive influence on her. And she couldn’t be more right.
Your mental health is your number one priority.
It took me a long, long, loooooong time to get that inside my head. And yes, I mean your number one priority. Not Morgan. Not your family. Not the dog. Your mental health. Too many times I’ve sacrificed my mental health to try and get people to like me. If people liked me, they wouldn’t bully me anymore, right? The endless bullying in school would stop and you could finally be yourself without getting abused for it. But the world doesn’t work like that. People don’t work like that. Bullies don’t work like that. They will never work like that. And it’s a lesson that was learned in one of the most difficult times in your life.
Recognising that you were in a toxic friendship and a toxic work environment was the first step into taking yourself out of the situation. But nobody told you how difficult it would be to get out of those relationships while they were running at the same time. Those people never cared about you and made sure you knew it just enough to doubt yourself, but not enough that you would walk away. Both people are rotten to their very core and felt threatened by how confident you were. But you got the courage to walk away and it was the best thing you ever did for your mental health. You could finally begin to heal through therapy and not spend every waking moment wishing you were buried six feet under the ground.
I hope that the confidence I have in myself right now has continued to grow as you have. There will be difficult times ahead and even more confusing ones. But you have the power to face them head on and let absolutely nothing hold you back. You know your own worth and you will not settle for anything less; this is something you will carry with you until your final days. If there are people who are intimidated by your confidence, you’re living your life right. If you are ever insulted, hold both of your middle fingers high and give them a nice flashy smile. If somebody tries to tell you that you are too much, question why they are too little. People will see you as egotistical and full of yourself. And to be honest, you are. You deserve to be.
After surviving horrific bullying from fellow classmates during school.
After crying yourself to sleep every single night.
After wishing you were dead.
After feeling your small shard of confidence shatter into a million pieces in an instant.
After sobbing until the late hours of the night because your suicide attempt didn’t work.
After having a boss who never saw you as a human being and nothing more than a doormat to walk all over.
After spending your free time constantly looking over your shoulder because your “best friend” wasn’t there to suck the life out of you.
After pouring your heart out in therapy and feeling your confidence begin to heal after so many years of damage.
After looking at yourself in the mirror, taking a deep breath and for the first time in your life, giving yourself a chance.
You deserve to be seen as egotistical. You deserve the whole fucking world.
But most of all…you deserve to be happy. And nobody will ever take that away from you. Ever again.
Every single cell in my body loves you. Never forget that.
When you feel like you have no-one…you will always have me.
Holly
